I can relate with Roxanne Gay’s lack of social inclusion in high school completely; however, my social rejection didn’t stem from my fellow classmates it stemmed from within. I lacked the confidence to try be included in the first place, and I lacked the drive as well.
I lived in Tallahassee, Florida my entire life until the summer before I started high school; my mom and I relocated to Lithonia, GA (a town outside of Atlanta) and I attended one of the high schools there. I realized I was an alien the first day of my freshman year; most people were reunited with their friends from elementary and middle school, and even the ones that were not had at least one or two people they knew, except me. I was the girl who knew no one so, I behaved accordingly. I didn’t speak much and I stayed out of the way; matter of fact, to ensure I stayed out of the way I even skipped lunch and ate in one of my teacher’s classrooms sometimes. I didn’t try to make friends because I felt as if cliques were already established, which they were and I didn’t want to feel like a sore thumb, the odd ball, the girl in the group who was never really “in.” My body, which I felt was still stuck in elementary school, in regards to my size and height, along with my baby face, ensured I went unnoticed as well. I referred to all the popular kids as the “70 percent” and I accepted my self-assigned status as the 30 percent, the other.
Like Roxanne Gay, I had an outlet too. I came back to Tallahassee, what I considered home, every chance I got. This is when I actually “lived”; I hung out with my friends, I went to football games, I gossiped about boys, I laughed. But at school I was just another student. I don’t remember participating in any school-related activities and functions my freshman year and hardly my sophomore and junior years. Honestly, I didn’t go to any of my high school’s football games until senior year, and I had to go because I was a cheerleader.
I don't want pity, my first two years of high school were rough, but my last two were great. Eventually, it did get better. I did gain life-long friends and I made great memories but I was never a part of the “in circle.”
Even when I became a cheerleader in 12TH grade, and moved up on the social ladder I still didn’t feel popular. I had more friends, but not solely because of cheer. I still didn’t eat lunch with the popular kids, although I could have. I still considered myself a sore thumb. I wasn’t one of them, and I never would be. I didn’t feel comfortable around them, because I still felt as if I didn’t relate.
So, when I look back on high school, I get nostalgia from the confidence I eventually found from “not relating.” The phase of my high school career that I realized I would never be the popular girl, I would never be Miss America, nor Miss Atlanta and I no longer wanted to be. That is still refreshing.
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